Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Inadequacy

Venting again.
Awesome day.  Got up at 7 (that hasn't happened in ages) got some good time in with my honey via webcam and IM.  Couldn't wait to talk to him again.  He went to work, I cleaned my apartment, then went to Wal Mart, fixed my flat tire, picked up a frame and a cute picture of my hun and I, went and altered a dress for my scene in drama, and did a million other things I needed to get done.  I was feeling AWESOME!  I hadn't gotten done that much in a day without being ready to drop in so long. 
Then, I get home from rehearsal, way excited to talk to my sweetheart.  He's a bit distracted so I write up a schedule for the rest of my week.  I realize, CRAP!  I have a lot of homework to do by midnight Sunday, so I'll do it all this week so I can enjoy my weekend with my honey.  (My time is going to be booked solid through Friday evening to get it done) So I start working on it; while talking to him.  Then I remember I have to call my mom about something, and so I call her, and what I thought was going to be a 5 min conversation turned into a half hour one.  I get back on IM and my keyboard is being retarded and it takes me twice or three times the normal amount of time to type.  So my messages are short while I'm trying to fix it.  
A while later, its obvious that he's frustrated with not being able to have my full attention, so despite my heavy work load, I stop, and figure I'll devote an hour of my time to just talking to him.  Its a sacrifice, but I'm willing to do it.  So we talk, and I think we're having an okay conversation, and then one of my texts doesn't go through...so he gets frustrated because he thinks I've left.  I resend the text but he's frustrated at this point so it doesn't really matter.  He's upset and I don't exactly realize why yet, so I'm trying to figure it out, when he does something he hardly ever does.  He tells me why he feels the way he does, which is a great stride in our communication.  Unfortunately, he said it in a way, that was probably exactly how he saw it, but it made me feel like he thought I was just putting him on the back burner when he'd waited to talk to me all day, and had a crappy day and was waiting for me to make it better.
That really hurt my feelings.  Because, here, I was straying away from my schedule to talk to him, not doing any of it, for an hour, just so I could show him my love and show him that I'm willing to sacrifice for our relationship, and he made it seem like it didn't even count.  I feel like I did a great job of being solely focused on him and I didn't even matter.  No, it worse than didn't matter, because, he was more frustrated, plus I kept him away from his video games (so he could talk to me), plus he was tired and should have gone to bed an hour and a half ago, plus this and that.  So now, not only am I behind on my work, but I'm frustrated, hurt, and mad that he's trying (on purpose or not) to make me feel guilty.  I just hate when I think I'm doing something awesome and someone completely ignores it or negates it.
So basically I tried to keep what I was feeling inside so I don't keep him up even more, and I try to be understanding, and he still goes to bed upset.  And  I'm left behind on what I needed to do (now I'm even more), I let this ruin my good day, I'm frustrated, and hurt, can't talk to him about it, and...ya.
I know that relationships take work, but sometimes I feel like it takes more now that I've moved away and we can't see each other every day.  We fight more.  I wish I had more time to dedicate to just talking to him, but I have a full schedule.  Times like this make me not want to sacrifice anything, because it won't matter in the end anyway.  He'll always just think that he sacrifices everything and I sacrifice nothing.  Which isn't so.  And it hurts that he thinks that.  And it makes me feel inadequate; like I can't be good enough. 
I realize that he's frustrated too, and that he didn't have a good day, and just needed me.  I just don't know how I could have done more.  
Just because I'm writing about it doesn't mean its a deal breaker, or that we will even remember it come this weekend.  I just have a blog now, and its a good outlet for my feelings.
So... ya.  Frustrated 

4 comments:

  1. One word for you, Sheraya: Skype. Seriously. Ditch the IM and texting crap. OK, one more word: Smile. And remember: "Everybody has problems. Everybody has bad times. Do we sacrifice all of the good times because of them? No."

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  2. Julie, we have web cams, and IM is just the best way to talk, with the distance. Our comp.s have a hard time handling webcams for long. Plus, IM gives us more privacy, from my roommates and his family. He doesn't really like talking on the phone either, lol. I will talk to him about Skype, though. Like I said, I know this isn't that bad, I was just bumming about it last night. But thanks for your advice.

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  3. My wife and I are in a long distance relationship for the time being and we also use IM regularly to communicate because of the convenience. One thing that we've found is that honesty is the best policy. When she has extra documents that she needs to finish before work in the morning, she lets me know and we say goodnight for the night. We've found that it's a lot better to focus on each other when we have time, and focus on our work when we need to do that. That way, we can never be tempted to blame the other when things aren't finished, and, it makes our time together much more productive when we don't have to worry about anything else.
    By the way, the wife and I really enjoy your blog, it's interesting and well written. We like how your voice really comes through in your writing.

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  4. Thanks a lot. I think that is something that I need to start doing. I always feel so bad when he comes home from a long day at work and wants to talk and I just can't. The thing is, he is always willing to let me do what I need to, when I say something. I think I'll just start saying something when I do need to get things done. Thanks!

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