Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My biological mother

I've made the decision in my life to cut off contact with my biological mother until she gets on the right track.  Which may be never.  Or when she's dead.  
She's an alcoholic, very manipulative, a liar, and very needy.  Without consciously realizing it,  I came to the college I did, because she lives in the same city (and its a tiny city).  My boyfriend (A.) and my father (her ex husband) both vehemently warned me against it.  I think my dad was actually pretty hurt when I left where I was close to him to go be close to her.  
But, I am the type that has to learn for myself, so I came here; and they were right.  She started drinking again.  She was just as she always had been.  
So, now, in my second semester I have decided that I'm done.  What brought this about was an email from my youngest sister (whom my mother abandoned when she was little).  The email was an honest frustration from her, asking why her mother had left, why she continued to drink, and why she was never there for her.  All perfectly acceptable questions.  My mother replied with an email that was manipulative, trying to make my little sister feel guilty, and saying how much she did for her.  With that, a rage built up inside of me.  Here, my mother was doing EXACTLY what she had done to me my WHOLE life. Seeing her do it to someone else, someone that I cared about and that was someone that I wanted to protect, made me angry.  It made me angry for all the times I just rolled over for her lies to walk all over me, made me angry for all the times she missed- including high school graduation and all my plays, save 2 (which she likes to count as a huge deal), made me angry for all the times she'd humiliated me in public by being drunk, made me angry for the misery that  I had gone through do to her, made me angry for all the time I wasted worrying about her.  I not only got angry for how she treated my little sister, but I got angry as I looked at how she had treated me.  I called her, yelling at her.  Telling her that what she did was wrong, and that my little sister had been totally right in her email, and that she had been totally wrong and out of line.  I hung up without allowing her an explanation.
Within the next few days, I wrote her an email, telling her that I was sick of what she does to people- to me- to my family.  I told her that I was cutting off the communication with her, and that until she was sober for 6 months, I didn't want to talk to her, to see her, anything.  I told her that she better get a move on it, or she wouldn't just miss out on plays and graduation.  She would miss out on my marriage and my children's lives.
I thought that was the end of it.  But no, a few days later, she calls me, cheery as can be, telling me about the latest drama in my life.  "Did you get my email?"  "Yes"  "Then why are you calling me?"  Then she started crying saying something about how she'll always be a piece of shit and hung up.
I thought everything was going to be fine and dandy after that.  But no, few days later, she calls me 4 times over the weekend.  I ignored all her calls, but listened to the messages.  Today, she calls me, leaves a message saying "It's really really important that you call me back.  Please Sheraya".  Here I am thinking that my step dad has died (he has terminal cancer) and so I call her back.  What's the emergency?  She wanted to tell me  her good for nothing husband is in prison, so is her roommate/brother and she's "all alone".  Keeping my frustration in check I say, "I don't care.  Don't call me.  I don't want to speak with you until you've been sober for 6 months."  she starts to cry.  "Stop crying.  You're an adult.  Act like it."  "well can I still send you update emails?"  "Yes, but don't expect a reply."  then we said goodbye.  And I felt like a cruel person kicking a dog that already had its ribs cracked.  They always say that you can't give up on the addicts.  But yes.  I can.  I just did.  She gets sober?  Great.  She doesn't?  Oh well, I'm not missing out on much.  Because the drunk her really isn't worth more than the 19 years I've already given; and as sad as I am about it; I'm just not willing to give more time to a helpless cause.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for your pain sweet Sheraya. You have every reason to be angry and to set firm boundaries. I applaud you for your courage and strength. You should not have ever had to feel this way, rejected and unloved and abandoned. You are a precious and remarkable woman and I am so glad I have gotten to know you. You are a person I want in my life forever and I want to be part of my future beautiful Great Grandchildren. I wished I could wrap you in my arms, and hug you, and help you fill up the empty spaces that are in your heart and heal your pain forever. I love you beautiful Granddaughter of mine and I will always be here for you. To give you a hug, a high five, or a listening ear or just to laugh and enjoy eachothers company. Keep moving forward sweetie and you will have your heart's desire.
    I Love You.
    Love Grandma Shelly

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  2. Grandma Shelly,
    It has been only a few years now that we've been able to be in each other's lives, but for the time we have had, I am so grateful for. You inspire me and are always there for me, always there to talk to whether it be about life, my mother, or nothing at all. Thank you for being around for me. I want you to be in my life for forever as well, and I can't wait for you to be part of my children's lives as well. I love you, Thank you for everything.
    Sheraya

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