Friday, March 12, 2010

People I Love

In movies, the thing that makes me the most sad is when people are in love and their lover dies.  Especially when they are old, having spent their whole lives with the one, and then they just...die.
When I was younger, basically from when I was 13-16 I thought about death, a lot.  The thought of dying was a happy one, one that I would just be able to float away, to rest for the rest of forever.  Then I grew to love the life that I have. 
Now, I watch movies like "The Notebook" or "PS I love you" or "Up" ... especially "Up" and I just bawl.  Watching "Up" is a sweet, precious experience, that takes through laughing, joy, sadness, elation, and tears...a lot of tears.  It makes me never want to get married.  Or love anyone.  It makes me think about death.  What if I get married to A. and love him with all my heart my whole life, and then one day, he gets sick.  Then he dies.  What do you do when the man that you've spent your whole life with is just gone.  Some have religion, and believe with all their hearts that they will see their loved ones again.  Just the promise of that makes me want to be religious.  But I don't want to be religious just because of a promise I'm unsure of.  
How do people live together and love each other, go through high times and low times together for 40 years, then one of them dies, and then just continue to live?
My grandfather's wife died when she was in her early 40's I believe.  He died only a few years ago in his late 70's (I think).  How do you do that?  How do you go years and years being alone. 
I'll tell you, these thoughts make me want to run from love, from marriage, from any kind of relationship.  It's weird for me to think that someday my parents are going to die.  All of them (and I have a lot of them).  I guess the downside to love is you have to see them go eventually.  Sometimes I wish my bio mom was dead.  Honestly I do.  But not in a creepy way.  But thinking of any of my other parents dead scares me.  One night I had a very very vivid dream of my bio dad dying.  It was so terrible.  I woke up sobbing and my whole day that's all I thought about.  I tried to call him a few times to tell him I loved him but he never answered, which made it worse.
I guess that makes me think that I need to let the people that I love in my life know that I appreciate them more often.  How many people who I consider my close personal friends, if I died, would think "Oh, I was good friends with her once" instead of "we were really close friends".  Is this morbid thinking?  Am I being odd?  I hope not.  All I'm trying to express is my goal of letting those I love, know it.  
I need to try and have more contact with my family.  I have done an absolutely terrible job as a sister and a daughter.  In high school, I was always trying to escape them.  Now, I don't know what to say to them.
My adopted mom (usually referred to as just mom) and I are doing so much better now that I've moved out.  I enjoy our conversations, but I am often really worried that I'm wasting her time, or that she is just biting her tongue at what she really wants to say, or that she doesn't really think we have a relationship and is just faking it for me.  Or that I'm oblivious.  Maybe I need to talk to her about those fears.  She is a very smart lady, and I really respect what she thinks.  She knows a heck of a lot about a whole bunch of things.  When we used to fight all the time, I always felt really dumb next to her and it made me really angry.  A. doesn't like her, due to years of she and I fighting, and one absurd incident nearly 2 years ago.  Maybe he has some issues to work out.  Since the new year he has been trying to come with me to a few more family things, because I told him I feel that its important for our future.  (I deal  with his dad who obviously doesn't like me, and who its hard for me to be around some times.  I deal with his sister who hates me.  And...no one else in his family really likes me either.  His mom is okay with me.  Can I just say that this is a story for another time, but it REALLY really sucks.)
My adopted dad is quiet.  He's from Mexico.  A big tease.  Fun to be around...funny...and...thats about it...I don't know why really...  Why don't we talk more?  Well what would we say to each other?
 V. (17, full blood) is getting into plays and that's one thing we could talk about; but because of that she's always busy.  I also sometimes wonder if she even wants me around.  She's always been the one that I've been closest to.  At the beginning of this year, she got a boyfriend.  I knew nothing about her first kiss or her boyfriend until the relationship was over.  Why didn't I?  Because she didn't want me to?  Or because I never asked?  Because I'm so worried that if I call her, she won't want to talk to me and I'll feel like I'm wasting her time.  I really wish that she'd call me with her news; but I don't call her with mine; I'm worried she won't care.
L. (adopted brother, soon 12) He's one cool little dude.  I can really see him being in the lime light of any crowd one day.  He likes pink, and he's really funny and... the sad thing is, I don't know much more about him.  Isn't that terrible?  Were I to get on the phone with him, the conversation would be dead in minutes.  In person, we'd probably last 10 minutes, just talking.  We could play for much longer.
Al. (10, adopted) He is probably the brother that I'm closest to, but the story is similar to L.  I know little about him.  He likes playing with cars, gives really good hugs, likes green, and has the greatest smile.  He's the type of kid who'll give me a hug and then just go off and do his own thing.  So we don't talk much either.
E. (9?, adopted) She is a little ball of energy.  Pretty whiny, and such a cute girlie girl.  She has an adorable laugh and is a real cutie.  I'm very interested to see what she'll be like when she's older.  She has a really short attention span, so conversations with her are short.
Really, with my family, I only talk to my mom.  She and I get along so much better now that I'm gone, and I've really come to value her.  My dad and I don't talk much.  I remember lots of fun stories with him, but we don't really have really in depth conversations with each other.  Not out of dislike, we just don't.
My bio mom had two kids.  girl C. (13) and boy J. (11)  I have been a terrible sister to them.  The last time I saw them in person was nearly a year ago, and before that, around two.  I am doing better with texting C. but J. I haven't spoken to in nearly a year.  Their father is terminally ill with colon cancer and has anywhere from 2-6 months to live, from what I have heard.  They are going to go through a terribly hard time soon, and guess who they don't trust enough to be there for them?  Me.  I'm their oldest sibling, and they barely know me enough to recognize me on the street, if that.  I have no idea how to do better with them, living so far away and such.  I should call J. and talk to him more, as well as be someone C. can turn to as she's growing into teenager-hood.  She doesn't really have a mom; the least I could do is be a better sister to her.
My bio dad remarried and has 3 kids (step) with his wonderful wife. 
My dad and I get along splendidly most of the time.  He's a really considerate guy with a huge heart and he knows how to do so many things that I don't.  Car problem?  Call him.  Need a hug?  Call him.  My house explodes?  His couch is open, even if it already has someone living on it.  He is really an amazing guy who has changed a whole lot from my memory of him as a child.  Unfortunately,  there are still things we just don't talk about, that I know not to even touch in conversations.  Sometimes I feel like they are white elephants in the room.  But really, I've gotten over most of them.  Oh, and I really really hate it when he's mad at me.  It makes me cry; every time, no fail.  I really am lucky to have him for a dad though.
His wife, my step mom (I hate saying "step" because it makes it sound like the evil stepmother, and she totally isn't) has done amazing things in my dad's life.  She is a hardworking, passionate, caring, awesome person.  I really am glad that she's in my life.  (especially since we recently had a heart to heart and don't want to disappear when the other one is near...long story.)
B (brother, step, 22?)  He and I have had a total of one good, deep conversation.  He is not the type of person that I normally would talk to or hang around.  Should we get into a conversation I have no idea what I'd say.  What's up?  How are you?  And that's it.  If we never saw each other, our lives wouldn't change much.  That's sad.
Li. (sister, 17, step) She and I don't get along much.  I think she sees me as competition for our dad's attention.  Or maybe she just doesn't like me.  Either way, we don't talk, mostly because I've stopped trying to be nice to her or ask her about her life.  Perhaps I should try more, but where there are so many others that I feel like I need to focus on, I probably won't.
Br. (brother, 12?, step) I used to try to be sweet and nice and focus on him, but it's pretty apparent that he doesn't like me either.  I figure he'll turn out a lot like B. and honestly, I think that's sad.  (I really hope that none of these people read this and kill me for saying this)  All I have found from when I even try to talk to Br. is rude looks or words and basically an "F off" attitude.  
Lastly, but not leastly (yes I made that word up), Et. (half, 12?, brother) he is my Bio Dad's and his Ex wife's kiddo.  He is an adorable little thing that I've always adored.  Less now than when he was little.  He lives with my dad now, and I admit, I'm a bit afraid that he'll go in the B. and Br. direction.
I just noticed something about myself, and I'm sincerely hoping its not true.  All the siblings that  I "Like" (quotations because I don't dislike the others, just not as fond of) are either blood related to me or I grew up with them.  Do I have a problem with having step siblings?  I sure hope not.  One thing I always tell A. (boyfriend) is that my family is my family and I love them all no matter if I have their blood in my veins or not.  That blood doesn't mean anything to me.
Maybe it's not the fact that they are blood or not, its just how we mesh together.  But it's odd that the only ones I don't "mesh" with are my step siblings.  I really wonder why that is.  


This whole thought process came by me thinking about the people in my life I love.  Believe me, that's not even close to all of them, not even close. 
One thing I really believe in, as cliche as it sounds, is the theme from one of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge.  "The greatest thing, you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return".  I've been in places where I thought no one loved me.  I remember how that felt, and I can see how I feel now, when I know I have ample people in my life that I love and that love me, and I can really attest to that in my life, that quote so far has proven true.  Because the greatest thing that I have experienced in my life, is all the many forms of giving and receiving just that- Love.

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