Friday, April 9, 2010

The impossibility of detaching myself

She's moving to Missouri.  That one ex-best friend.  Now please tell me why I'm crying and even care?
The days are heading quickly in the direction of the day that I know she leaves...for how long?  I don't know.  I just know she's moving, across the country...and our last words to each other were "I hope you have a good life.  I really wish you happiness"  "whatever".  Why?  Why do I care when she wants nothing to do with me?  Why do I think about whether or not she needs help moving or if she'll make friends there?  Why am I wasting time I don't have beating myself up over nothing I did wrong?  Why do I keep trying to find away to erase the past four months without just saying what she did didn't hurt me?
I can't express how much I just wish that I could just stop caring.  Stop thinking about her.  Stop worrying for her.  Stop hearing songs that remind me of her.  Stop crying and stop wishing.  Just stop.  I guess I just wish that things had ended differently...positively.  She's been part of my main life for so long; its hard for that love  to turn to hate in just a matter of days.  I guess I'm slow, I haven't caught up.
I keep remembering the fun times.  When the joke about tentacles was born.  Or that time in my Grandma's house with the clogged toilet. Or the time we got all dressed up for those many dances.  Or when we burst glow sticks all over us.  Or when we'd drive random places.  Or when we went clubbing and had such a blast.  Or when we sat in our first broadway show, holding hands hearing what you said after was "our" song.  You always helped the fun part in me come out.  You were okay with my fierce protective side.  You guys called me the Mama Bear.  No one now values that side of me.
I miss you being there when I need to talk.  I miss crashing with you on the weekends.  I miss being there for you with all your fun stories.  I miss helping you with math or with doing some random thing.  I miss planning your wedding.  I miss the support I thought we had.  I remember when you helped me move, and I just sobbed into your shoulder as you sobbed back.
You were my best friend.  And though you hate me, its really hard to see you go, because I haven't been able to let go.  But I wish, oh how I wish, I could.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Because I knew you, I have been changed, for good.

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