Monday, April 5, 2010

Mother-daughter...friends at last.

Today I got to spend time with my family (for those confused by my many families, this is my adopted family). It was really nice. I ate dinner with them and played a game with my mom and sister. I got to eat apples with them and play with strawberries while we talked for hours. It was one of my favorite experiences of the month (the month isn't that far in, but I sure liked it).

When my mom and I lived together we fought, all the time. I stayed away from my family for many reasons. I left every morning either before they were awake, or after they were gone. I came home every night after they were in bed. I did this on purpose to protect myself from being hurt by the fights my mom and I would get in, and also to save the rest of my family from the tension I felt I brought.

Sometimes I look back and try to remember and examine if I think its worse than it really was, but it wasn't. We fought all the time. Over what? I don't even know. If it wasn't her picking the fight, it was me. Religion, lifestyle, clothes, language, choices, friends, avoidance of family... Neither of us felt like we could talk to the other one without our heads being ripped off. Every time we made the slightest progress with the other, one would close off and be too afraid to try to trust the other one. It was so bad that all my friends knew about how bad our relationship was, and even one of my teachers would give me advice about it on a regular basis. My mom and I both had unreasonable, immature times. One of these times, A. had enough of her (let me say a defense for my mom here... I always ran to him when things were hard. He was-is-my rock who I leaned on. So he always heard all the negatives. At that time, there were more negatives to our relationship than positives). He decided that he wouldn't speak with her anymore. He has kept that up for more than a year and a half.

Tonight my mom and I were talking about our relationship. She told me that she and my dad didn't even expect an invitation to my wedding after I moved out. I felt that they wouldn't even care to come. We talked about how even after I moved out to college how we still fought. Then things rapidly started to change. I don't know how, or even why (we figured out the moment that it did though); but now I feel like our relationship has bloomed into a relationship of love, and (more than before) trust, and mutual respect. I still don't agree with a lot of things she believes in (religion and some health things) but I feel like I can respect that she does; and I know it goes the other way as well. I don't think I am mistaken in feeling that for the first time of my teen ager on life, we are finally friends. We enjoy the other's company; we proved tonight that we could just talk for hours.

My youngest sister asked me tonight if I was going to come home this summer to live.  I told her no, and when she asked why, I told her that it was because I finally was happy with my relationships with my family and that if I moved home I was afraid that we would fight again.  When I talked to my mom about that later, we agreed that if I ever needed them, they were there, but that it wasn't the right thing for me to live there again.  We agreed that it really wouldn't work for either of us.  It was nice that we agreed that our ideas of how our relationship is where similar there, and that neither one was hurt by the other's feelings.

Something I was ecstatic about tonight, is that I was talking to A. after leaving my parents. I expressed to him my happiness at the changes in my mother and my relationship. How I felt she and I had changed; and how fantastic it felt to talk for hours and not fight...even when sometimes talking about "touchy" subjects. I told him that she had asked when he would want to have a relationship with her...and do you know what he said?? "I would be interested in having a relationship with her actually." I was astonished and asked why. "Because if I am going to be your husband for forever, I really want to have a better standing with your family. I don't want that to be a little void there to have to deal with all the time". Can you say WOW?! Awesome!!! He came along with me this weekend to a family event, but for him to say that much is just astounding to me. He can be so stuck in his ways, and I had stopped trying to force him to be part of all my families. Now, he seems that he will try all by himself. Old habits die hard, so I don't suppose it will be easy at first. "would you like to come in?" "nah...oh wait...sigh...yes" is my guess as to how it will be at the beginning. And honestly, that's fine. Its a start.

I feel like in many aspects of my life I have found a balance. A balance between trust and stupidity. A balance of respect and (insert the word that means standing up for what I think). A balance between mother-daughter and friendship. I feel that finally my mom and I have started to find our balance between hate and love. Is it a work in progress? You betcha. Do we both slip into our old skins? Sometimes we sure do. Will it be easy all the time? No way. Will it be worth it? Without a doubt.

7 comments:

  1. I"m glad that you and your mom worked things out. Its a great thing to have a relationship with your mother. I'm sure glad that my mom and I have a good relationship. I'm so happy that you have found it.

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  2. Thanks Michael. I sure am glad we finally have it...I thought that it would never happen.

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  3. That's so awesome Sheraya! I'm so glad you guys are starting to work things out. :D

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  4. Wow--awesome, awesome. You are really good at expressing yourself, Sheraya. I like to read your blog.

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  5. Chandler, me too!! I never thought it would happen.
    Joy, thanks so much! I love having readers and feedback!

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  6. Sheraya, congratulations! It's so easy to give up sometimes and you have made the decision to honor yourself and find a way to give yourself the relationship with your mother that you've longed for. And bravo for your fiance too.

    As best-selling author Francine Rivers writes in her new book Her Mother's Hope "God offers you a future and a hope." Sounds like you've found it.

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  7. It sure is easy to give up on sometimes. Its a lot easier to do easy things in life, but I really like the quote "nothing worth anything in life is easy". I really have longed for a good relationship with my mother, and I'm glad that I can see it blooming.
    Thanks for reading and for the feedback.

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