May 12, 2010
My roommate was talking to me while I was eating tonight. We were talking about her escapades with boys in the past few months. She admitted that before the new year she had never been kissed, but since then has had more than a handful of experiences. She told me that she was still waiting for that “perfect” first kiss. She said that she thought it would never happen.
This may be a lame excuse of the Pygmalion Effect, but it will have to work for today. My roommate said that she never had had a “perfect” first kiss, and that she thought it never would. My question is, is that not happening because of the Self Fulfilling Prophecy (she keeps putting herself in situations that it won’t happen because of it) or does she just have rotten luck? Maybe both?
May 12, 2010
My alcoholic mother, Brenda, called me tonight from another number (so I wouldn’t know it was she calling me). (you know the situation so I won’t bother to tell you it again). I answered the phone and she said, “Boo, it’s me, your mom”. I immediately said, “Why are you calling me? Has it been 6 months?” she said, “no, no listen”. I kept interrupting her with, “Are you sober? You know I don’t want to talk to you”, while she informed me that it was her and her ex husband’s 13th year anniversary and that she needed to call him, that she needed my little sister Carissa’s (who lives with him) phone number, because my step dad wasn’t answering (this is the guy dying from cancer). I told her that she wasn’t married to him anymore so she shouldn’t be calling him for that, and she most defiantly should not be involving my little sister or me. She started crying and saying “Raya please, it’s important” and I hung up.
This is a huge thing for me. Until recently, I didn’t hang up on people. Especially not my needy, childlike biological mother. I saw myself as someone who always had taken care of her (self image). She always laughingly said that I was more the mother, and I sure lived up to that. This terrible self concept, of how I should be and how I am has begun to change. This conversation is evidence of that. I had set reasonable expectations of myself (not to talk to her until she’d been sober for 6 months). I had a realistic perception of myself (knowing it would be hard, but I knew I could do it). I had the will to change (I was sick of taking care of her and worrying and being her mother). I took action to follow through (I told her what I was doing, and I hang up when she contacts me). Lastly, I am developing the skills to change along the way (coping with always wondering if she’s in a ditch somewhere, or dead, or something worse). I think that I am making excellent progress with changing myself concept when comes to her.
May 17, 2010
I was walking to class today and a Hispanic student stopped me, asking me a few questions about class we are both taking. I had no idea that he was in this class with me. This made me wonder what strengths (or weaknesses) I exude to make me seem like a great person for international students to approach and ask questions to. I’m not complaining, but wondering. In both Fall and Spring semesters no one ever approached me, international or no, but for some reason I keep being approached by the culturally diverse.
This encounter also made me think that perhaps I need to pay attention to more people in my classes, which is difficult for me to do when I am on the front row, focused on class and only talking to the teacher. I only really acknowledge other students when they give comments. I don’t pay attention to faces, only what they say. It’s just odd for me, I’ve never been approached very often, something about being unapproachable and intimidating. I wonder if I am loosing that or if others just see it less in me. I don’t know.
May 17, 2010
The other day, my friend asked me if I wanted to go to California with her. I said yes and began to ask questions upon questions; “when are we leaving”, “what are we doing for food?”, “where are we going?”. I thought these were pretty okay questions, but my friend thought I was trying to over plan. This took me by surprise; I mean I know I over plan things, but I thought figuring things out for trips was a good thing.
So I started thinking, I must have high Uncertainty Avoidance. In class, we talked about it being a cultural thing, but I wonder why some people (like me) have a higher amount than others, of the same culture. I don’t know that I feel threatened by unsure situations, it just makes me feel like I am more in control and its less stressful if things are planned. It gives me a high sense of accomplishment when I plan something and it goes as I planned. So why within one culture are there different levels of Uncertainty Avoidance. Maybe each little family is their own little culture, and within a town there are similar cultures that make up a big culture.