June 7, 2010
This weekend my boyfriend came home from a business trip. I was so excited to talk to him. I was in a great mood when we started talking. I had missed him greatly, since we hadn’t been able to talk at all. He, however was not so happy. He had just gotten off a long week long business trip where he had eaten little and gotten far too few hours of sleep. He said he smelled bad, he was tired and had a headache. He was pretty miserable. I tried to keep up my chipper attitude while talking to him, but found after an hour or so, I was starting to feel down as well. I felt like I didn’t want to talk anymore and I just wanted to be sad.
This is a great example of a bad bug being caught. The contagiousness of his bad mood was high, and I caught it full blast. It is really hard to avoid one of these bad bugs when you have no idea that you are going to face it. Like the flu, it is easier to face once you are vaccinated, or prepared for the mood. When the mood is an unexpected polar opposite, however, it is not nearly as easy to dodge.
June 7, 2010
In December, I arranged a 7 day trip to California. I had an itinerary for our daily activities sent out to each member of the trip, 3 months in advance. Food, travel, lodgings, fun- they were all arranged. I did this to create organized, smooth flowing, easy fun. However, some members of the trip decided that they did not want to follow the itinerary, once we were already on the trip. This started out as irritation, and by the end, had developed into full blown concealed anger.
Throughout the process of this trip, I succumbed to many irrational thought patterns leading to some key fallacy’s. The first and foremost, my good intended organization turned into the Fallacy of Perfection. In order to have the most fun possible, I over organized to make everything perfect. Which leads into my next fallacy. The Fallacy of Should. In order for us to have the most perfect trip possible, I felt that we SHOULD have an itinerary. That we SHOULD buy our tickets for events in advance. That we SHOULD calculate out every cost. When people did not stick to this plan, I fell into the Fallacy of Causation. I felt that by not following what I had laid out they had MADE me angry; when in reality, I chose to feel that way. Irritation after irritation built up until I thought myself into being angry. What did I learn? Being aware of the fallacy’s I tend to fall into may help in slowing those down…
June 7, 2010
I went to a wedding this weekend. After waiting in the line to see the couple for over a half hour, I was wishing I hadn’t come. I thought that it wouldn’t even matter that I was there because there were so many other guests. However, when I came to the bride, she rushed the people ahead of me along as she walked quickly toward where I was standing and gave me a huge hug. “SHERAYA!! I AM SOOOOO GLAD YOU CAME!!!” was my greeting. She talked to me for over 5 minutes, until I told her she should probably pay attention to the rest of the line behind me. She laughed and agreed.
This greeting both the verbal and the nonverbal side conveyed her emotions really well to me. She was able to know what she was feeling, and convey it in different ways that I could understand. She made me feel welcome and loved, which I believe was her goal. And her joyous bug caught as I grinned the rest of the night.
June 7, 2010
I had a really good friend named P. I am going to look at our relationship in the terms of Knapp’s Relational Steps. We knew each other and disliked each other prior to the time when we became friends, so I will for from the time when we started to have a relationship.
Tenth grade, we were in a play together, as well as in the same theatre class. We accidentally sat next to each other, and we had the first step Initiating, with “hi”. Throughout the next few months we decided to try each other out and see if we could actually be friends. We went to the Experimenting stage with starting to hang out outside of class; with others. First at lunch, then at movies, and finally at her house, with just the two of us. Once we started hanging outside of school, we started Intensifying, people would start inviting both of us to things rather than just one of us. Then we starting moving towards “best friends” by become the “we” rather than P. and Sheraya. I became more chill, like she was; able to play and have fun without a plan. For the first time, I could just sit at her house and “hang out” rather than having a schedule. We started loaning each other things like movies and clothes. When we went away we would always get the other a friendship anklet that we would wear all the time. Our Bonding stage was more than just acknowledging we were best friends. When I went to college, I would stay with her on the weekends, which was a big sign to everyone that we were close friends. She was getting married and made me the maid of honor, yet another signal to the world of our friendship. When Differentiating things came up, we worked them out. To be honest, there wasn’t many things that we had troubles over. If we did, we’d fight it out and we’d be fine. Then the Cicumscribing happened. She found out my boyfriend had cheated on me, and she didn’t speak to me about it. She kept it locked up. We went on a trip to California together and got pretty irritated with each other. A lot of Differentiating was happening on that trip and wasn’t being worked out, because she wasn’t willing to talk to me, and I didn’t know why. We came home from the trip and we didn’t talk about what had happened on the trip, so a short time our relationship was a tense one of Stagnation. Then we started the Avoiding stage, neither of us calling the other to see what their plans were. We had many excuses in this time as to why it was happening, but in reality, we just didn’t want to be around each other. Then, I found out about what she was Circumscribing. It was an issue that I was willing to work out with her; but she kept to the Avoiding stage. After my feelings being completely raw and feeling hurt, I terminated the relationship through the only way I could contact her- an email.
June 7, 2010
Alex and I had a long foreplay to our relationship. We met when I was in ninth grade, and he was a senior. A friend wanted to hook us up, and we both were very attracted to the other, but nothing came of it, because he was too shy to call me, and I had no way to contact him. We met a few times in the next couple years, but circumstances never allowed us to further our relationship. Finally, nearly 2 years later, a mutual friend invited us both to a movie. I was a couple months out of a bad relationship and was excited to go out. The movie we went to was a scary movie, 1408, and me, being a wuss, needed someone to sit by to grab their arm at the scary moments. The semi-familiar tall, blonde, blue-eyed man down the aisle seemed like he could handle my nails on his arm. (This is the first attraction with appearance, I saw several things about him I found physically attractive.) After the movie, I invited him to come hang out with our mutual friend the next day. That day we found that we had several things superficially in common. The Similarity attraction was the things like we both were in theatre, he was in tech, I was an actress. He was about to perform in his first play, and I was a veteran of the stage. (This was the Experimenting stage). We continued to hang out together and after a week of spending every second we could together, we kissed, and became a couple. (Intensifying). Through the next couple of years, our attractions for each other started on different levels. We have realized we are Complementary in many different ways. I was rigidly scheduled, while he was more laid back, so we started to balance each other out. He was very shy, where I was extremely outgoing and outspoken, so we were able to balance when in public on speaking. In private, he was shy about getting up the courage to kiss me, where I had trouble waiting for him to make the first move, so we balanced out in that as well.
Now our relationship has progressed to where we are best friends, sometimes even more than lovers. We have an attraction of Disclosure, being able to talk to the other so easily. I am attracted to his Competency. He is so talented in so many different ways, able to do so many different things; and I know the feeling is mutual. We have a relationship where it is give and take. We both feel that we have Rewards from being with the other. Without thinking, we easily have both Reciprocity and Exchange in our relationship, on a fair level. Looking at our Factors of Attraction, it is kind of awesome to see that we are attracted to each other on every level I can see, other than Proximity (because we weren’t forced to be around each other). It makes me feel great about our relationship!
June 9, 2010
Prior to coming to college, Alex and I would hang out nearly every day. When I would come over to his house, he would often tell me that he wanted to go out and actually do something rather than sit at home and do something. I didn’t really understand that, since going out cost money, and we had plenty of things to do at home and we could be more relaxed while at home. We got into an easy pattern, we would come home from work/school, and I would have some idea of some activity to do that day, and we’d go do it. When I moved to college, the first time he came up, I had a bunch of activities planned for us, so he would remember a fun time and would want to come up again. He ended up being sad that we got no time for the two of us, because we were always doing activities together.
After today’s class, I can see that one of his main ways to feel Intimate with me in through shared activities. He enjoyed going out and doing things with me because he wanted to show me that he was willing to take time out of his schedule for me. But the time that he came up and felt that we had no time for us, was because shared activities was the only way of showing Intimacy that we did. He enjoys the Physical Intimacy as well, and we got no “cuddle” time together that weekend, because we were always with other people. This shows me that there is a balance where the different ways of Intimacy are concerned, and in order for couples to be happy in relationships, they need to notice the other’s ways and balance them with your own.