Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ramblings on random thoughts

I get ahead of myself...often.  A. and I have been talking about marriage; we picked out an engagement ring, which makes me want to share the news with close family and friends.  But really, there is no news.  None at all.  Just like when he started to make me a quilt.  I talked for nearly 2 years about my quilt.  And there it sits, in his room, almost finished-but not.  A. may make great strides in things but he rarely sees them through completion.  Here there is no apparent reason why he wouldn't.  Just last night he was telling me that he sees no difference in how we live now and how we would be when we were married.  He said he thinks I think that there will be big differences and that worries him.  In my mind there will be a few large changes.  Like living with another person.  Like being in a declared committed relationship.  Like his family finally accepting me as a permanent part of his life.  
Tonight we were talking and for some reason we got on the topic of me going to a further away school if he didn't propose by January (which is when I need to submit applications and such) and he said that he might just wait so that I would go to that school, because that's what I want...if that's what I wanted I wouldn't be so eager to marry a man that won't follow me to where I choose to go.  Instead, I choose to make do with what I have while I get to be with him.  I told him that I don't think I could stand 3 more years of a long distance relationship...and I meant it.  I don't think he sees how many times I nearly gave up on the relationship this year.  Being away from him is not just about the physical affection.  I don't really know how to describe it.  When I'm at college....I feel so alone.  Without support.  I haven't made close friends there.  I don't really know why I haven't, but I haven't.  When I am away all I want to do is come home to him.  I can't stand not being able to hear his voice, see his smile, feel his hug.  I like sitting with him while we do our own things.  I like knowing that he's only a few minutes away if I need anything.  I like being able to talk in person about our days, and tell each other what we saw or learned.  When I'm at school, I look forward to when the clock tells me he should be home, and I can sit at my computer, eager to see words on a page.  While in some respects, reading his words helps me see another side to him, I also only get the distracted, half paying attention side.  All the time.  I'm not saying that he is the only one doing this.  When IMing you don't just sit there waiting for them to write, you do other things, its the nature of how the process works. 
I'm afraid to go back to school.  Afraid that we won't cope with the fighting that ensues from the separation.  Afraid that I won't be able to please all the people I have to please at school.  Afraid that this year will be like the last.  Afraid we’ll go through the lying and the whole “ordeal” again.  I think that's really what is terrifying me right now.  I don't think our relationship could take another spout of that.  I know I couldn't take it.  I believe him when he says he is committed now, whereas before he wasn't.  I believe him when he says nothing like that will ever happen again.  But I have my doubts.  It was because I wasn't satisfying him emotionally...but I wasn't being satisfied either.  I was miserable.  MISERABLE.  Yet I just stood there and took it.  And he resorted to finding it elsewhere.  What if the distance causes the dissatisfaction again?  Then what?  I don't want to know where that path will lead us.  When I said that I didn't think I could take 3 more years of a long distance relationship, I think my heart was really saying that I don't think our relationship could do it.  I want to say "love will triumph" but will it?  When I rely on him for so much support, and for 3 more years I'm stripped of it?  Gah, I hate voicing my thoughts of the moment on here, because then all the people will read it and interpret it in the way they perceive it without really knowing the dynamics of us.  All you have to go on is what I say and most of what is on here is the heat of the moment hurt and anger.  Judgments are passed and voiced on what his or my actions mean, when in reality, there is no claim to the full story or even a full side of the story.... Arg, I'm rambling, and I would think that it would help ease my troubled mind, but it hasn’t.  It’s only made me more frustrated writing the unvoiced concerns over the damned future.  (damned in this sentence is to be pronounced damn-ed, haha).  This is probably just immature angst that really has more to do with PMS then actual fears and troubles.
Can I just say, the last year has been really really hard? 
I leave for school in 14 days.  Back to the fights we get in all the time.  Back to the rushed weekends (when we will be able to steal them).  Back to the longing to just be home.  Back to the uncertainty.  Back to isolation.

2 comments:

  1. I love you girl, and I know you have one friend at school that is quite excited about your return. :) I hear Kae and Shae are quite the duo!

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  2. Thanks Kae. I admit, I do miss you. :) Our show is going to rock this year.

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