The phrase I hear over and over from people is something like "I don't know how you do it! You are the busiest person I know and yet you still get everything done!" and usually, its true, I'm busy and I still get everything done. Right now though? No. Things are not getting done. Not at all. I am so stressed and exhausted that I am not getting done in one day what I could have done in 3 hours when I have a little breathe room. Even when I try to take a break, I feel so guilty for not getting the million things done that I need to, that it really isn't a break and does zero good.
I am station manager for the college radio station. My good friend who is also the professor over the station has been more than understanding about my busy-ness and has cut me a lot of slack. I feel incredibly guilty that I am being a shitty station manager, and not doing a third of the things I planned.
I am taking 21 credits (or is it 22?) because I am double majoring and attempting to get all my generals done. My gen ed classes are just terrible. I can barely make myself go to class. And that is not me. At all. I am a straight A student, who sits on the front row and who the teacher knows personally. I am a good student. So far this semester, however, I have not been. I missed a test in one class, another I haven't been to in over a week. The list goes on. The funny thing is, I can't even bring myself to tell my boyfriend about it so he can help me work through this funk, and maybe stay floating through everything. For two reasons. 1. I know he'll be more than disappointed in me. 2. I don't have any freaking time to talk to him.
I am stage managing the college's production of Sweeney Todd. This is the clincher. The thing that is driving me to my odd unproductivity, unusual insanity, and complete end-of-my-rope-ness. I don't even know what more to say about this, because truth is, unless you're in theatre, you probably won't understand how freaking stressful it is.
Fact is, I'm dying. Barely holding on. I can't sleep because there is too much to do, I think about it even as exhaustion tries to claim me. I sleep through my alarms. I am being an awful student. And I look at myself and think "What the hell, Sheraya?? You never are like this! Pull your head out of your ass! Get a move on!" and then I can do more than go back to attempting to make it through the day.
Usually in time of stress, I have at least an hour or so at night that I can talk to my rock, my support, my stabilizer...my boyfriend, Alex. But how it is now, that is usually impossible. He gets home at 6, at which point I am already in pre rehearsal rehearsal. I don't get out of the theatre until 11 at the earliest, and Alex tries to be in bed before that because he has to be up early in the mornings. Even on those nights that I get out in time to talk to him, I am so frazzled it rarely does any good.
I used to be able to come home from school and talk to him about the stupid things that happened to me in the day. Not that I was always complaining, but if I needed to, I could. For example, a stupid, dumb thing that on a normal day would not be a huge deal but right now is just some icing on the cake. We had elections for the theatre club presidency today. While I have been working my butt off for the department, and now everyone knows that I am organized and on top of things, it didn't affect me being in the presidency in the least. While not a huge deal, it was still a slap in the face for me. I'm not freaking and I don't care THAT much, but I thought to myself "well this is familiar". High school much? Working my ass off and don't even get the title to go with it? (I'm sounding super petty, but please try to understand..and if you can't understand, just ignore it, just this once.) Like I said, not a huge deal, but was kind of an "Oh. Ok. Still not winning the popularity contests". I mean...is this what life is like? In jobs, will hard work never pay off in "promotions". I don't feel like I need to be rewarded, but sometimes, it might be nice, to have one of my peers do more than tell me they think I'm doing a good job...to actually follow through with that....I don't know if I am even making sense anymore.
I am so tired of this. What is wrong with me? Why am I not able to do everything I need to?? Why am I letting every one around me down? The only thing holding me up is those few hours stolen on the weekends that I get to just be with my Alex. The rest of the week feels like one long to do list after another, each tired check leading only to another unfulfilled task to be completed. I'm drowning in the midst of all the things that need to get done, and I don't have time or strength to come up for air.