Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Unengaged rantings

Sometimes I just want to break away from it all.  Leave to some distant city where no one knows my name and no one cares.  Break up with my boyfriend, break ties with my family and friends and just leave.  Leave and get lost in the sea of inknown faces.
Why?  Because sometimes I feel like I have nothing good to give, like I am poison, sapping energy from those around me.  Pathetic?  Yes.  Deal with it.  This is my own little pity party.
Today whats the reason?  Weddings.  That blasted word.  Why does it have so much control over my thoughts?  Over my life?  One little glimpse into what the future may hold and I go berserk.  I'm not engaged, and hell who knows if he'll ever propose because of the way I have acted.
Guess what?  I thought of a random idea of how he might do it, and I thought it was really dumb.  So guess what I decided to do?  Tell him I thought it was dumb, because then he wouldn't do it.  Whats the catch?  That's how he was going to do it.  And now?  Guess what?  He's not going to do it.  Because royal bitch over here had to open up her damn mouth.
Now he's feeling sad and hurt and disappointed, and I'm kicking myself, for that as well as advertising to all my friends that I thought it was going to happen.  Now who feels like an idiot when she comes home from the weekends unengaged?  Oh yeah, this girl.  Who has family that asks her every time they talk to her because she was such a loud mouth?  oh yeah, me.  I'm just tired of this.  I'm angry at him for dragging this out so long.  I have to worry about hurting him even more.  I'm mad for him making me feel guilty when I want to just be angry.  For not calling me back when I told him I didn't want to talk anymore because I was all emotional.  Why can't he read my brain?  I know I'm ridiculous.  THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY! 
Gah.  Skrew it all.

1 comment:

  1. It'll turn out ok Sheraya! And please don't just break away and leave, some of us would miss you far too much! I know patience is hard right now, but take a step back, breath deeply and remember you are strong and can get through anything. Love ya!